Toad Kicks Off "Gather Your Own Straw" Program

Strange Tony,

The day after Thanksgiving First Senior Regional Executive Vice President Toad introduced Kindred at Home's latest executive initiative to our hospice.  The mandatory meeting occurred on Black Friday.

FSREVP Toad:  "Our new program is based on a story from the Bible, one Kindred at Home executives and our investor dominated board discussed in a retreat.  As a group they asked 'How can we be more like that guy?'"

Employee #1: "Jesus?"

Toad: "Nope.  Think Old Testament.  Any guesses?

Employee #2:  "Moses?"

Toad:  "No."

Employee #2:  "David?"

Toad:  "Guys, it's the Pharaoh!  I'll read the verses that moved senior executives and our board of directors:"

Pharaoh gave this order to the slave drivers and overseers in charge of the people: ⁷ “You are no longer to supply the people with straw for making bricks; let them go and gather their own straw. ⁸ But require them to make the same number of bricks as before; don’t reduce the quota. They are lazy; that is why they are crying out, ‘Let us go and sacrifice to our God.’ ⁹ Make the work harder for the people so that they keep working and pay no attention to lies.”¹⁰ Then the slave drivers and the overseers went out and said to the people, “This is what Pharaoh says: ‘I will not give you any more straw. ¹¹ Go and get your own straw wherever you can find it, but your work will not be reduced at all.’” ¹² So the people scattered all over Egypt to gather stubble to use for straw. ¹³ The slave drivers kept pressing them, saying, “Complete the work required of you for each day, just as when you had straw.” ¹⁴ And Pharaoh’s slave drivers beat the Israelite overseers they had appointed, demanding, “Why haven’t you met your quota of bricks yesterday or today, as before?”

Employee #1:  "Since we don't use straw in caring for hospice patients what is it executives want from us?"

Toad:  "We want you to complete the work required of you each day.  We demand you meet productivity quotas established by top leadership.  Straw is symbolic of whatever barrier you face in getting your daily work completed."

Employee #2:  "How can you hold us to higher productivity standards after management eliminated key positions and gave us systems that hurt productivity?"

Toad:  "Straw!  You have to find your own.  It's your responsibility to figure it out.  The plan is to build institutional resilience from the ground up.  Employees are the bricks."

Employee #2:  "That makes no sense given the extra work management added.  We spend more time scheduling.  I have to wait for my work to be scheduled so I can actually do it.  I spend hours now entering my time and mileage in order to be paid correctly.  That usually doesn't happen so I spend hours figuring out how the company shorted me and how to resubmit time and mileage."

Toad:  "What you described is the work required of you every day.  Get 'er done."

Employee #3:  "There aren't enough hours in a day to do what the company expects."

Toad:  "Time is straw.  Straw is time.  Make your own."

Employee #4:  "Under Kindredlink it took me two hours to prepare for IDG.  Homecare Homebase increased that to a full eight hour day.  That's time eating, not time saving."

Toad:  "Homecare Homebase was a strategic decision made by our board of directors, the same people who admire and emulate Pharaoh.  Your personal inefficiency is very concerning.  I will make a note of it and ask your direct overseer (DO) to beat, (clears throat) verbally berate you."

Employee #4:  "Why did I open my mouth?"

Toad:  "Any more questions on this new exciting executive initiative?  Seeing none, I'd like to turn it over to the people in charge of ensuring this program is a success.  The Bible calls them slave drivers but executives call them Area VP's and DCO's."

Employee #1 (under their breath):  "We call them Mean Girls."

Mean Girl #1 (looking at Employee #1):  "Speak up if you have something to say..."

Employee #1 slinks down in their chair.

Mean Girl #1 (pause):  "Nothing?  Didn't think so.  (shifts gaze to whole group)  You guys must be so proud.  Your hospice is the first to pilot the "Gather Your Straw" program.  I am so honored FSREVP Toad selected one of my hospices to start this exciting effort.  Our fantastic Director of Clinical Operations is here to help you, so I will turn it over to her." 

Mean Girl #2 DCO:  "It's all about the employee experience which you now get to live 24 hours a day, seven days a week, although we only pay you for 40.  As of today all nurses are salaried and hourly employees are prohibited from submitting overtime.  If a employee submits overtime they will be disciplined for not using your time, straw, effectively.  That discipline could result in termination.  (Staff groan)

Toad:: "Gather Your Straw" puts you in charge of solving your own problems, so solve away."

Employee #3:  "Can we have our time here not count against our productivity measures?"

Toad:  "I'm afraid that's not possible.  Any meeting with an executive like myself is considered optimal use of your time by the company.  Remember the whole company is looking at this hospice.  You'd better perform.  Executives are counting on you."

Employee # 2 (spoken under their breath):  "for their giant paydays while we break our backs."

Toad:   "I would like to close with a prayer asking God's blessings for abundant admissions, census and margin.  Is a chaplain willing to do that?"

None volunteered so we exited the meeting room deflated and diminished.  It was the Blackest of Fridays.  We'll see how many more leave the toxic wasteland fouled by Humana/Curo.  The Bible says they will reap what they've sown  Lord, deliver us from evil.

Anonymous